The Same As and Different From
by Robert Hackman
Picture by Ruppert Britton on Unsplash
She said, ‘I can’t believe it
You can’t possibly mean it
Don’t we all want the same thing?’
From the song ‘It’s Different for Girls’
By Joe Jackson
The teacher asked the children to sit Indian style in my kindergarten class. My body did not comply. My bowed legs prevented me from sitting upright on the floor comfortably. Looking at everyone else, I felt separate from them.
I never asked anyone what prevented me from performing this simple task, and I am still curious about why I never did. Perhaps I did not want to call attention to what I considered an inadequacy.
I do remember feeling uncomfortable and out of place. After all, sitting cross-legged on the floor is practically a rite of passage at that age. Would I be allowed into the first grade if I could not master this simple skill?
Can you recall times in your life when you felt disconnected from others? What feelings came up? How did you react?
Since then, many life experiences have caused me to feel alienated and out of place. Only during the past several years have I identified significantly more with being the same as others.
Despite my participation on sports teams, joining a fraternity, relishing friendships, and engaging in men’s groups, I defined myself by my differences.
I assert our responses to sameness and distinction inform our self-leadership and the leadership we bring to our teams, organizations, and communities. They determine the diversities of thought, being, and expression we encourage or allow. The stands we take. The degree of inclusion we foster.
It is crucial to remember that diversity of thought stems from diversity of experiences. While each of us has distinct experiences from everyone else, it is a safe bet that those from groups that have been marginalized have a set of life circumstances that differ more than others.
They, too, are subject to the same variety of experiences as everyone else, in addition to those peculiar to their life circumstances. These relate not only to race, ethnicity, religion, sex, gender, and orientation. They include ableism, neurolinguistic, economic, and social differences. Trauma is another factor. Many of which are not visible to others.
Others can avail themselves of a degree of richness if we make it safe and worth it to divulge their thinking. In the process, the entire group or team becomes better informed.
Each of us continually moves along the continuum of identity between being the same as others and being different from them. Dichotomies do not help us here. We must remember we are always both.
Relationships to Sameness
Regardless of how you try to attain them, it is a safe bet you share the need for love, safety, and belonging with everyone else. You desire to be understood, liked, and valued. Each of us wants to be a winner in our own right. However, you define winning.
Desperate to avoid the fate of lemmings, we still crave the security of similarity.
And yet, sometimes, we forget the fundamental truths that bind us together. We get in the way of acknowledging our shared humanity. Like rebellious teenagers feeling compelled to exert their individualism, we pretend we are utterly unique. Frequently to our detriment and isolation from others.
Whenever we make it unsafe for others to express their idiosyncrasies or speak their truths, we simultaneously make it precarious to reveal our own.
Expressions of Difference
As author, philosopher, theologian, educator, and civil rights leader Howard Thurman implores, ‘Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.’
Living and leading with fewer regrets requires you to express yourself authentically from moment to moment. Personal Authenticity is the third and most important of the five Ps of Everyday Legacy Mindsets.
These pursuits demand repeated vulnerability and self-acceptance(s). Standing out in meaningful ways feels threatening.
Doing so in service to yourself and others requires faith that everyone else wants similar things for themselves, in their own ways, whether they exhibit it or not.
When you deny your sameness or ignore your distinctiveness, you lose touch with crucial aspects of yourself and the dynamic tension that makes you human.
Dynamic leadership requires successfully navigating the continuum of difference and sameness for yourself, your team, and your company. As a leader, you set the tone and contribute most significantly to the culture and environment. It always begins with you.
What kind of leader do you want to be? What kind of Legacy do you want to leave?
Worthy inquiries:
- What times have you felt different and apart from others? Can you use them to grow compassionate understandings of yourself and others?
- In what ways do you desire to be the same as others and believe you are not? How can you verify the accuracy of your beliefs and embrace your sameness?
- How do you strive to stand out and differentiate yourself from others? In what ways can your distinctiveness serve others?
- How can you embrace wherever you find yourself on the continuum between same as and different from while continually moving towards a state of harmony between the two?
- During what times, in what places, and with what people have you simultaneously embraced your differences and sameness? How can you create more experiences like these for yourself and others?
Grappling with these questions will influence the way you show up in the world, for yourself and others, and inform how you lead.
If you want to discuss ways to develop and grow your leadership to benefit yourself, your team, your family, or your organization, please reach out to me. I welcome the connection.
Robert Hackman, Principal, 4C Consulting and Coaching, helps people live and lead with fewer regrets. He grows and develops leaders through executive coaching consulting, facilitation, and training of individuals, teams, and organizations. He is committed to Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. He facilitates trusting environments that promote uncommonly candid conversations. Rob is also passionate about the power of developing Legacy Mindsets and has conducted over 50 Legacy interviews with people to date.
A serious man with a dry sense of humor who loves absurdity can often be found hiking rocky elevations or making music playlists. His mixes, including Pandemic Playlists and Music About Men, among others, can be found on Spotify.