Generosity and Selfishness
by Robert Hackman
Photography by Fabian Gieseke on Unsplash
I want to thank you for your generosity
The love and the honesty you gave me
I want to thank you, show my gratitude, my love, and my respect
Lyrics from the song ‘Kind and Generous’
By Natalie Merchant
During this time of continual disruption, stress, and upheaval, we are primed for the healing power of generosity. We hold few virtues in higher regard.
Enthralled by its lack of self-interest, you believe generosity contradicts selfishness. I do not think that is true.
Seth Godin’s January 16th daily blog of the same name prompted me to contemplate these attributes with each other. He suggests the popular notion that we should give in order to get is flawed. It implies giving is not worthwhile unless it connects to what we get in return – directly or indirectly.
He claims happier people are more likely to be generous. Therefore, the reverse must also be true. And who does not want to be happier?
Thus, Seth validly argues that the traits are incompatible and should be separated. I agree.
However, I believe the opposite is also true.
This article makes a case for considering them together within the proper mindset and context. In the best circumstances, they are integral to one another.
These differing perspectives remind me of dog lovers, of which I am one. Dog lovers are enamored by the selflessness they attribute to their canines. We find their unceasing happiness when we come home humbling, gracious, and joyful. If they judge us, they hide it well.
Whenever we have to put a dog down, we lose the bond with them founded on their generosity. It can be soul-crushing.
However, canines have also become experts at getting their owners to do their bidding to care for them in extraordinary ways. They go about it in ways that also serve us—exemplifying my main point here.
Dog behaviors are self-serving, and they use them to serve us too. Their selfishness lies in the path of their generosity.
The key for you lies in aligning the two attributes, overlapping, and combining them as a matter of habit. Doing so requires eliminating your negative association with selfishness, owning its positive connotations, and disregarding the rest whenever appropriate.
Definitions of selfishness invariably begin with self-regard. Healthy self-esteem is critical to success, happiness, and benevolence. Feeling integrated and on target with your purpose, values, and approach naturally evokes your generosity in inherently fulfilling ways.
On the contrary, whenever you feel compelled to be something you are not, you come from a place of depletion and weakness, which does not trigger generosity. It stifles it.
The issue arises from how your self-regard relates to your regard for others. Your behavior becomes selfish when it fails to acknowledge or consider its impact on others.
Generous people habitually seek to align their priorities and interests with those of others, thereby putting their self-interest in the pathway of serving others.
Your Mindsets help put you on track and keep you here. They determine to what and to whom you pay attention and give your energy.
A Growth Mindset primes you to believe you, others, and relationships can grow and change. They are not fixed.
An Abundance Mindset guides you to understand that you are enough, you do enough, and you have enough. It is based on your capacity to grow the pie. As opposed to a Scarcity Mindset, from which anything gained by someone else correlates to a loss for you. A Scarcity Mindset prevents you from being benevolent.
Everyday Legacy Mindsets channel your focus on taking responsibility for your impact on others, your environment, and what you leave behind in every interaction. They spur you to acknowledge you can practice generosity at any given moment.
These mindsets are not mutually exclusive. They stimulate generosity when you Integrate them.
True generosity is rare, absent from expectations, the desire to influence, or the intent to control.
Relationships based on reciprocation are significantly more common and have essential value, especially in business. However, do not confuse these with genuine benevolence.
The effect of unencumbered generosity is noticeably impactful because it is rare and requires nothing from the other person other than to receive. ‘A gift well received is one twice given.’ I encourage you to practice it.
I also implore you to be open about your self-interest. When you pretend to act without regard for yourself, you initiate convoluted interactions in which nothing is what it seems.
You generate uncertainty and mistrust because it becomes essential for you to deny or conceal what you want for yourself, feigning that all your concern is for the other person.
You betray yourself anytime you act outside of integrity. Thus, living your personally authentic life demands a persistent degree of selfishness.
When you give generously from within the pathway of faithfulness to yourself, your purpose, and your primary values, you align your self-interest with the needs of others without giving yourself away.
All worthy intentions include contributing to the welfare of others. Therefore, separating and combining your notions of generosity and selfishness are both valid. You can use both approaches to increase your generosity and, by extension, your happiness.
Even cat people can be more like dogs. Acknowledge your selfishness and infuse it into your generosity in ways that resonate with you and benefit others, just like dogs do. You and the world need it.
Worthy Considerations:
- What can you learn from the ways dogs interact with their owners? Do you believe you are free of self-interest, regardless of how generously you behave toward others? What are the implications of your conviction either way?
- How does a healthy self-regard relate to selfishness? Do you think it causes you to be more or less generous? How benevolent are you when you feel diminished or depleted?
- Does practicing generosity require you to relinquish attending to your needs? What happens to your mood and capacity when your base-level needs are unmet?
- What prompts you to behave generously? What curtails it?
- How can you be genuinely benevolent towards others while openly acknowledging you want something for yourself?
Please connect with me if you want to explore how integrating generosity and selfishness can boost your relationships with yourself, your family, your team, and your organization. I welcome the conversation.
Robert Hackman, Principal, 4C Consulting and Coaching, helps people live and lead with fewer regrets. He grows and develops leaders through executive coaching consulting, facilitation, and training of individuals, teams, and organizations. He is committed to Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. He facilitates trusting environments that promote uncommonly candid conversations. Rob is also passionate about the power of developing Legacy Mindsets and has conducted over 50 Legacy interviews with people to date.
A serious man with a dry sense of humor who loves absurdity can often be found hiking rocky elevations or making music playlists. His mixes, including Pandemic Playlists and Music About Men, can be found on Spotify.