Identity Impacts
by Robert Hackman
Photograph by Talles Alves on Unsplash
Who are you?
From the song ‘Who are You?’
By the Who
Have you ever stopped to consider who you are at any particular moment in time? From which Identity are you living?
You may believe you consist of a single identity. I find that not to be true for me—my self-concept changes. Upon reflection, you may find the same to be true for you too.
What I mean by Identity is how we see ourselves and regard ourselves in relationship to others, on our good days and bad, and in all situations.
Much of our identities live in our subconscious and, thus, outside our awareness.
The subconscious is where most of our emotions reside. Often these feelings drive the bus, our bus, without our knowledge. Therefore, we must be very careful with the messages we consciously send it.
I assert our Identities determine our degree of success more than our skills, knowledge, attributes, or capacities.
I seek to model and build the practice of vulnerability through my writing, work, and life. I do this to grow myself and expose my secrets. I find doing so to be a powerful way to reduce shame.
Shame has played an outsized negative role in my life. It represents the big stopper.
While I am responsible for my perceptions, beliefs, and actions, I also recognize I have inherited some of my identity and shame legacies.
While I cannot eliminate resistance, which will be with me anytime, I attempt to stretch and grow. I can always take steps to reduce the poisonous effects of shame in my life.
I purposely engage in these efforts on behalf of others too. Letting people know they are not alone and helping them recognize they can dare to take similar steps to benefit themselves and others.
I want to break down obstacles to connection and help you do the same.
To this end, I share the results of an exercise I did at the request of my extraordinary coach, Laura West.
It was one of a series of initiatives to help me clear away the parts of myself that constrict my energy, keep me small, and contaminate my efforts to generate the change and impact I desire.
I reveal my Negative and Positive Identity statements below. These describe the thoughts, feelings, and actions each evokes in me.
My Negative Ego is pretty black, unflattering, and painful for me. It may be uncomfortable for you also.
There is light on the other side, trust me. My Positive Identity liberates and inspires me. The same is true for yours.
I am confident that you have your own identity versions, articulated or not, that you keep well hidden from the light of day.
As a result of this exercise, I live much more significantly from my Positive Identity. Functioning from my Positive Identity unleashes my creativity, boosts my energy, and aligns me with my purpose.
I am more open and take more risks on behalf of myself and others.
I still get hooked by my Negative Identity from time to time, although much less frequently now. I recognize more quickly when I do, enabling me to pause, practice self-compassion, and shift from a damaging identity into an exceedingly helpful one.
In sharing these aspects, I recognize that I open myself to criticism, contempt, and condemnation. So be it.
If it were easy or without risk, everyone would do it. They don’t.
My urge to help you bolster faith in yourself, grow your courage, elicit trust and expand your leadership capacities in authentic ways is more compelling.
You will know you are not alone. We all have battles going on within us. It is part of the human condition that each of us feels compelled to hide.
Negative Identity
The Distorted, NEGATIVE Identity that hooks me and hijacks my reactions is described by being:
Unbearable, Intolerable, Insufferable, Contemptible, Unacceptable, Undesirable, Unworthy, Undeserving, Unwanted
Behaviors that “being Unbearable” Identity ignites in me:
Disavowing – refusing to acknowledge or accept myself as I am and want to be, reject identifying with, deny responsibility for
Contorting – believing that I need to twist and bend myself violently and unnaturally into an acceptable man to be desired, different than I am
Resenting – angry because I am unable to accept myself, blaming people and things that I do not like, feeling threatened, rebelling against self and others
Denigrating – denying the importance and validity of self, disparaging things and people I deem insubstantial, unworthy, or insincere, belittling others in my mind
Hiding – cowering, recoiling, concealing myself for protection, shielding, separating from, withdrawing, isolating
Fantasizing – pretending what I want to be true, inventing stories and meanings about what is happening and why, playing make-believe, faking who I am
Peddling – saying things I do not believe, tempting me to shill solutions I do not fully trust, feigning false confidence and capacity, faking integrity, desperate to convince
A reminder to notice and discern when I get hooked, exhibit compassion for the parts of myself that are susceptible to getting hooked, and guide me towards my healthy, POSITIVE IDENTITY.
Positive Identity
My clear, uplifting, aspirational, POSITIVE IDENTITY that guides me and supports my best actions and intentions:
Embraced – Sought, Coveted, Beloved, Desired, Wanted, Needed, Chosen, Worthy
Behaviors that the “being Embraced” Identity ignites in me:
Softening – access my sensitivity, open to possibility, lower my guard, ease my defenses, reduce resistance, calm my fears, act courageously
Caring – show kindness and concern for others, practice empathy and compassion, feel affection for, show consideration to
Connecting – establish rapport, develop an affinity, hold space for, act curiously, listen to, establish trust, create safety
Engaging – develop and deepen relationships, participate in, focus on, attract, influence others, collaborate with
Revealing – disclose, make myself known, share vulnerably, take risks
Truth-telling – assert beliefs, take stands, speak candidly, act sincerely, exhibit character, claim realness, inspire others
Relishing – embrace fully, take pleasure, vote for self, laugh, learn, create, express gratitude, live abundantly, Love well
Acknowledge when I work from this Identity. Apply habits that help integrate my POSITIVE IDENTITY into my being more fully and consistently. Notice my inclinations to sabotage. Practice self-compassion, take corrective action, and up my thermostat setting.
You can see how each of these identities affects my self-perceptions, beliefs about others, and corresponding thoughts and behaviors.
It is not that I believe everyone embraces me or that I need that. However, my Positive Identity keeps me receptive to being embraced by myself and others. It attracts me to others who resonate with me.
While I prefer otherwise, there is no denying that both of these identities, among others, reside within me. It is up to me to determine how much oxygen I give them and which one I let drive my bus.
Negative and Positive Identity statements help me live and lead with fewer regrets.
Worthy Considerations:
- Have you ever found yourself hooked by your Negative Identity? If so, how did it impact your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors?
- What do Positive and Negative Identities look and sound like to you? What words capture their essence? From which do you interact most?
- How do your Identities influence how you show up with others? What legacies have your inherited?
- How do your different identities affect your self-regard and self-confidence? How do they impact your outcomes?
- In whom can you confide about the damaging and aspirational aspects of yourself? Do you get the support you need to move forward in the ways that matter most to you? If not, how can you?
Please get in touch with me to develop ways to spend more time living from positive and helpful Identities to benefit your family, your teams, and your organization to become better. I welcome the conversation.
Robert Hackman, Principal, 4C Consulting and Coaching, helps people live and lead with fewer regrets. He grows and develops leaders through executive coaching consulting, facilitation, and training individuals, teams, and organizations. He is committed to Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. He facilitates trusting environments that promote uncommonly candid conversations. Rob is also passionate about the power of developing Legacy Mindsets and has conducted over 50 Legacy interviews with people to date.
A serious man with a dry sense of humor who loves absurdity can often be found hiking rocky elevations or making music playlists. His mixes, including Pandemic Playlists and Music About Men, can be found on Spotify.