Male Proving Grounds
by Robert Hackman
Picture by David Mark on Unsplash
I really wanna move like I’d like to
Sometimes I remember myself
I really wanna feel like I’m supposed to
Sometimes I remember how to feel
From the song ‘Proving Grounds’
By Widespread Panic
I view much of what I experience and encounter through a particular male point of view as a result of childhood trauma, supporting men’s work, and as a facilitator and coach.
And so, it was when I read the introductory portion of Brené Brown’s sprawling book about emotions entitled Atlas of the Heart, in which she and her team set out to map the language of feeling and experience.
Brown asserts we have a comprehension deficit regarding our emotions that prevent us from making better sense of them. The book describes, in detail, 187 feelings and experiences to help us sort them out from one another.
I could not help but think of the culture in which we, as boys, were raised and the emotionally constrictive environment men inhabit. Feelings?! To whom does she think she is speaking? These are off limits to many men, who are taught from an early age to stifle and hide them at all costs lest they be seen as weak.
Consequently, boys and men in our culture have a built-in deficit, as we are discouraged from feeling and exhibiting emotions, let alone investigating them and learning how to express them.
And therein lies the problem. Through no fault of their own, boys and men are enculturated to deny much of who they are and how they experience their lives. Consequently, they shut themselves off from these vital qualities.
The results are not good and create uncertainty in men while maintaining the imperative that they appear assured. Maintaining this stance requires men to disconnect from themselves.
How can men engage in meaningful relationships if they lack awareness of their and others’ emotions? How does a lack of emotional recognition push men to compete, even in situations that do not warrant it? How can men live and lead with fewer regrets when everything is a proving ground?
Men cannot effectively relate to others without expressing their emotions and empathizing. Brown maintains, ‘We feel hopeless, or we feel destructive levels of anger when we are unable to articulate our emotions.’
Men must find safe confidants and environments with whom and where they can share their experiences, learn they are not alone, and practice verbalizing their feelings. They need to relinquish their fear of the feminine realm in which emotions reside and let down their guard.
Even availing themselves of supportive resources, I continually hear men talk about ‘stuffing’ their feelings. They do not risk exhibiting vulnerability and weakness in the moment. Men give themselves time to detach and examine their responses through thought. Their stories resonate with me because I sometimes act that way myself.
Whether we allow ourselves to feel the associated emotions is an open question. I venture to guess that even if we exhibit strong emotions at a later time, they differ from those in the moment, and we do so removed from interaction with others.
Eduardo Bericat, a sociology professor at the University of Seville, asserts, ‘As human beings, we can only experience life emotionally.’ As a result, absent emotion, we are always a step removed from our lives.
We get lost without awareness and understanding of how we feel.
A significant consequence of the imperative to avoid exhibiting weakness is everything becomes a proving ground for men. Competition contaminates areas of our lives where performance is not the point – such as intimacy and connection.
The lack of vulnerability and openness about our shared humanity diminishes men’s ability to relate to others and themselves. The best defense becomes a good offense. Competing keeps men in an oppositional stance in which they believe they can protect themselves.
Joe Ehrmann speaks about the male proving grounds of the ballfield (athletic ability and physical strength), the bedroom (sexual prowess, appetite, stamina, and skill), and the billfold (financial capacity). I find the list a memorable and helpful guide that encompasses many areas in which men feel compelled to compete.
Seeking to avoid shame, men tend to compete and compare themselves in the areas they believe they will be best. Their approach to life remains performative.
It saddens me because maintaining a constant state of competitiveness may protect men. It also keeps men alienated, disconnected, and outside of meaningful relationships – a tremendous cost.
No wonder so many men commit suicide. I wonder how many others seriously consider it but do not follow through for one reason or another.
Regardless of how people regard what matters most to them in their early lives, it is clear what they value at the end of it – relationships. No one lies on their death bed wishing they had spent more time in the office.
They also regret the risks they did not take. And the most crucial aspect of risk revolves around losses in the emotional realm, regardless of other potential forms of loss. For instance, the danger of losing status, belonging, and esteem exceeds the threat of financial harm, even if they are directly related.
We live and leave our legacies every moment of every day. Continually returning our focus to what we care most about can be immensely challenging. And can you think of anything more essential?
Don’t allow yourself to cut off your emotions in service to traditional male proving grounds and the imperative to ignore, deny, and hide weakness. Boys and men do not ask questions – which would signal vulnerability.
Consequently, they do not learn what matters most, what lights them up, or the impact they want to make. Thus, men frequently miss the most fulfilling boats of their lives.
I implore you to risk revealing your feelings, ask for help, get support, commit to your purpose and invest in relationships in service to your one precious life and all those you impact along the way.
Worthy Inquiries:
- As a man, what is your relationship to your feelings? How do others experience you concerning your emotions?
- In what areas of your life do you feel compelled to perform at all costs? Do these include relationships with partners, children, friends, and work associates? How would letting go of these imperatives to prove yourself enhance your ability to connect?
- Do you use competition and one-upmanship to protect yourself from being hurt? How does your lack of awareness of your’s and other’s emotions impact your capacity to lead?
- How does a lack of appropriate vulnerability and openness restrict and distort your work environments? Can you imagine how different acknowledging and valuing emotions would make them? What problems would be solved? What possibilities would be created?
- How does the need to succeed in the proving grounds of the ballfield, the bedroom, and the billfold impact your decisions and actions about what matters most? Do they embody your path to fewer regrets?
Please contact me to learn how reimagining your relationship with feelings can transform how you lead yourself, your family, your teams, and your organization. I welcome the conversation.
Robert Hackman, Principal, 4C Consulting and Coaching, helps people live and lead with fewer regrets. He grows and develops leaders through executive coaching consulting, facilitation, and training individuals, teams, and organizations. Committed to Diversity, Equity, he facilitates trusting environments that promote uncommonly candid conversations. Rob is also passionate about the power of developing Legacy Mindsets and has conducted over 60 Legacy interviews with people to date. He devotes himself to helping men reimagine their leadership and how they live their lives.
A serious man with a dry sense of humor who loves absurdity can often be found hiking rocky elevations or making music playlists. His mixes, including Pandemic Playlists and Music About Men, can be found on Spotify.
Bravely bring your curiosity to a conversation with Rob, schedule via voice or text @ 484.800.2203 or rhackman@4cconsulting.net.