One Man’s Storied Reminder of Distorted Thinking
by Robert Hackman
Photograph credit Jesse Oricco on Unsplash
My thoughts distorted
Yea, my thoughts distorted
Lyric from the song ‘Distorted’
By Marlon Orlando
I know it sounds absurd. For a long time, I thought I was the only one.
I now believe each of us has our own versions of bizarre narratives that persist within us.
I worked with my hands for two hours this past Sunday in a way I had not done in a while. I was using an extended pole to saw and clip branches off a tree. It did not take long for the skin on my hands to betray me.
My sensitive skin blisters effortlessly. It always has, and despite my fervent desire for it to be otherwise, it will not change now.
Fortunately, it has never created any difficulties I could not overcome. Sure, blisters are painful and unsightly and, at their worst, become infected. Eventually, calluses develop, and the process repeats itself.
The physical effects of my experience are not notable.
My blistered hands evoked a distorted narrative I told myself for decades, which I have now let go of. I believed my sensitive skin represented a physical manifestation of my lack of manliness. This would be comical if it did not damage me for so long.
What distorted stories do you tell yourself? Did they originate from trauma? How do they affect your leadership?
Untrue Stories
As distorted as it sounds, I believed for many years that my body manifested what I knew was true about me. I was not man enough. I was unworthy—my own version of not enough, which I find tiring.
On its face, it is ridiculous. Yet I bought into its truth.
How could I turn a simple, albeit unwanted, attribute of my body into a story with which to bludgeon myself mercilessly? What purpose did it serve? What took me so long to let it go?
Do you find yourself telling inexplicable stories that have no basis in reality?
Did They Originate From Trauma?
I realized several years ago that I put many things through a gendered lens that did not warrant it.
It was a way to confirm a storyline I developed as a child and cemented in adolescence from my father’s rejection and subsequent suicide when I was thirteen.
I know my father was distraught and reached degrees of hopelessness and helplessness from which he could not free himself. However, that is not how I experienced his downfall as a kid. I interpreted his discomfort with himself as his discomfort with me.
Only recently, I realized I absorbed his self-hatred, too, and regard myself similarly. I recognize in my head that these are not accurate beliefs, yet they remain with me in my body in a visceral way.
Consequently, I engage in pitched-to-the-death battles between these parts of myself. I have done this most of my life. The traumatized kid in me believes that if anyone sees the flaw that prompted my father’s rejection, I will be unable to handle it and will disintegrate.
The fear and shame these beliefs generate have led to inexplicable behaviors and responses that have held me back in countless ways throughout my life.
Despite successes, my self-concept got trapped in a different time and place.
I now recognize this resulted from trauma, which until a few months ago, I denied I had experienced.
Three statements about trauma resonate strongly with me and convinced me otherwise. Trauma expert Gabor Maté uses the expression ‘Being run by trauma.’ I now understand the degree to which my life, decisions, and coping behaviors have not just been influenced by trauma. Trauma has been running the show.
Dr. van der Kolk is a psychiatrist, researcher, and best-selling author of The Body Keeps the Score. I recognized van der Kolk’s definition of trauma as valid for me as soon as I heard it. He describes it as ‘Experiencing a period of overwhelm when you did not have anyone to turn to.’ I instantly recognized that I had felt this way for several consecutive years as a child and adolescent.
Researchers have come to describe trauma as ‘an event or experience that negatively changes the way we see ourselves, others, and the world around us.’
My therapist assures me that suicide alone constitutes a big T trauma, especially at that age.
Trauma narratives become a part of us. Our responses to them get normalized even as they remain disconnected from other parts of ourselves. We may realize at some level that they are distorted and harmful. Yet they persist with another part that has never moved on.
We carry the storylines we made up at the time and age they occurred. Despite our growing older and gaining experience and knowledge, they remain unchanged unless we can get help accessing them and shifting our relationship to them at a gut level.
How Do These Stories Affect Your Leadership
Since trauma ‘negatively changes the way we see ourselves, others, and the world around us,’ it impacts our leadership.
Trauma is much more prevalent in us and the people with whom we interact than we realize. When we lead, we deal with it whether we like it or not – much of it remains unresolved.
You need to identify how your stories shape you and drive your subconscious narrative. If they persistently undermine you, you must take deliberate action to change them.
Denying trauma’s impact makes you less empathetic, compassionate, and forgiving. It will prevent you from connecting entirely with others, compromising your ability to engage them fully.
When you deny trauma in yourself, you will not recognize or accept it in others.
You must rewrite hurtful narratives into helpful ones. Pop psychology would have you believe it merely requires positive thinking, rejecting negative thoughts, and reprogramming yourself.
As challenging as those sound, they lack what is necessary – getting to the root cause. There are no shortcuts.
I recognize that you may take different paths to healing.
I have found the need to employ skilled professionals with expertise in methodologies specifically designed to heal trauma, including Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR) and Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS).
I am committed to doing what I must to reduce or eliminate the not enough narrative within myself significantly.
If you are going to tell yourself fantastical stories, make them uplifting ones that propel you forward based on acknowledged sufferings and informed healing. That is the pathway to whole-hearted leadership.
Worthy Inquiries:
- What recurring narratives do you have about yourself?
- Do your stories emanate from particular times, circumstances, or events?
- Do you recognize how those stories got there? Can you acknowledge how they affect you?
- Do the statements about trauma resonate with you? What roles has trauma played in your life?
- What stories exemplify you, your team, or your company? How do they help? How do they hurt?
Please reach out to me for help identifying and shifting your relationship to the storylines that trip you up and hold you back to benefit you, your team, or your organization. I welcome the conversation.
Robert Hackman, Principal, 4C Consulting – Courageously Curious Consulting and Coaching, helps people live and lead with fewer regrets. He grows and develops leaders through executive coaching, strategy consulting, facilitation, and training of individuals, teams, and organizations. He is committed to Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. He facilitates trusting environments that promote uncommonly candid conversations. Rob is also passionate about the power of Everyday Legacies and developing Legacy Mindsets. He has conducted over 50 Legacy interviews with people to date.
A serious man with a dry sense of humor who loves absurdity. Rob can often be found hiking rocky elevations or making music playlists. His varied mixes, including Pandemic Playlists and Music About Men, can be found on Spotify.